Monday, December 30, 2013

Retraining


Well I did it. I found a nice guy. What are the odds right? It’s early and he could still be a serial killer but now that my friends and family have seen his face and can identify him in a line up, I kind of doubt it. Plus even a serial killer would be afraid of the dose of teasing from virtual strangers that has come this man’s way and he has taken it like a champ. Sadly he hasn’t heard even a quarter of my tales of mischief and the ones he has heard have been tamed down for the most part which means he might still take off on a dead run any day now.

 His mom taught him to be a gentleman. I will be thanking her for this. He likes to open my doors. It has been a long time since someone did nice things such as this for me. Our joke is that he is re-training me. We have the getting in the car covered. I even remember to unlock the door while he walks around most of the time *read he hits unlock as a precaution*. Now waiting for him to open the door when we get to our destination … not so much. I still jump out like the car is on fire. He is such a good sport he just smiles and shakes his head.

 I am glad that he thinks I’m beautiful and tells me all the time. It’s awkward and I have to resist the urge to look around to see who he is talking to. It’s been a really long time since I have heard anything positive directed at me. What if it goes to my head? Guess I’ll have my family step up the verbal abuse about my driving to off set it just in case.

 He has theories about what “men do”. They will drive an hour to pick you up for a date only to drive that same distance in order to take you to dinner and dancing. He will then will drive an hour to bring you home and again drive an hour to get home after the date. Just to recap, he would spend more time in the car than on the date basically. This may have been where I put my foot down and drove my damn self to the big city for the date. He did not like this but again, he is a great sport. Most likely shaking his head at me but since I couldn’t see it, it doesn’t count.

 Apparently “men” also pay for everything. I am so in the habit of digging out my wallet when things need paid for that I it leaves me at a loss. I just get the “look” as well as being told it’s “what a man does”. I may have gone a sneaky route to contribute so I don’t feel quite so out of sorts with it. Christmas + gift cards = awesome. There is a fine line between being an independent woman and taking a man’s dignity away when he is trying to be a gentleman. I hate this line. I can’t walk a straight one sober so you know this has to be killing me.

 The last few years my sleeping buddies have been my dogs which means I sleep in a ball relegated to the corner while they spread out and consume the majority of the bed. They also don’t care if I snore or drool or do other things that might otherwise cause me to hang my head in shame the next morning. In fact when push comes to shove, they have no manners in my bed so it makes me look really good. I am now worried and not sleeping because I am too busy having anxiety. Do I cuddle too much or too little? Did I just give away all of my secrets while drooling all over his pillow?

It’s a good thing he is handsome and have great chemistry. I can see the benefit to the nunnery. Oh, who am I kidding? That would never happen because I can’t give up men, drinking, swearing like a sailor, and my smutty novels…

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Grammar for the illiterate

I have friend that is the Queen of the nasty text. She amazes me with her abilities. She can diminish a man to dust in mere sentences. It is awesome! I will always be her friend and will always stay on her good side because I fear the nasty gram I would get should I piss her off. She is an artist.

This bring me to the nasty text I received earlier this week. I feel it's a shame to send a nasty gram if you are illiterate.  If your message is clouded by the correction of grammar all of your effort is lost ...

"Here" in my house typing this blog post I am laughing about the fact that is hard to take something serious when all you do is correct the grammar. Abbreviations are one thing. They are common place.

 I can even over look punctuation. Kids these days ignore the stuff. I am even told 2 spaces after a sentence is no longer the norm...

 But I "hear" that you look like an idiot if you don't know the difference between being here and hearing what I am saying. hehe

Oh and one other thing. If your going to send a nasty gram, own it. Don't hide behind someone else's phone... It gives the rest of us bitches a bad name when you do "bitchy" poorly...





Thursday, October 24, 2013

Your killing me smalls



I have found another problem with being in my late 30's (for another 27 days). Clubbing until 4:30 a.m. may not be my thing...

 Reason one: The men in these places scare me. I mean when you are enthralled by some chick in such a short skirt you can see her goods you are gonna get what you pay for. And I mean that literally. If you are buying drinks to get a hooker you will get a cheap hooker. If your not even buying her drinks, you will get a disease. Are you not at all worried about catching something? Oh, your probably not because your 20 something... Duh.  Read this in 10 more years.

Reason two: Yes I may have been the oldest one or close to it in the place.  Yes I may have considered crying about the fact that I could have kids old enough to be there admiring the junk hanging out of the skirts.  This may be another reason why I don't have children.  They would bring one of these chicks home and I would bite my tongue off trying to keep it quiet.

Reason three:  The 50 year old broads trying to compete with the 20 year old skanks. It wasn't the leather skin from the tanning beds or the outfits that were meant for the 20 years old chicks, it was the inability to maintain their alcohol that scared me the most. Even though they appear to frequent the place they appeared to be 3 sheets to the wind acting like 20 years old skanks. Please let them be drunk and that not be the way the act all the time.... If I am 50 and "clubbing" one of my friends better CLUB me in the head...

 I did have a ton of fun with my friends but I am thinking I am more of a low key kind of gal these days... I will say the entertainment was a 10 plus however I am far too old to be out that late and feel like crap the next day.  Not from drinking mind you but from trying to short my 8 hours of sleep.

 

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Duck what?



Well my foray into online dating has flat lined. I am very concerned with what the men in the 40 year old category are thinking.... If the best picture you have is of you looking like you should be cast on Duck Dynasty it is a sad day. At least trim that sh*t up...

Of course the other end of the spectrum is the guy with no shirt. Seriously? You are 40ish not 20ish. And if you expecting "cleave" shots from me you are so out of luck...

And if you can't bother filling out your information enough to catch my attention, please do NOT message me to "hook up".  My booty calls ended when I was in my 20's.  If you are in your 40's and that is all your looking for your STD's probably have STD's...

 The bar may be looking better. Not to meet men but to drink myself into forgetting about them. LOL



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