Thursday, March 14, 2013
He said he loved me and I believed him. I now understand that he thought he loved me but he really didn’t. He couldn’t have…
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it’s own way, it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoings, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. Corinthians 13:4-8a
Because he was selfish I know he couldn’t really love me the way I deserved. I know he thought he loved me but only because he has no idea what being in love really is. If you have seen what real love looks like it is impossible to mistake it for something else.
For a long time I forgot what I had known to be true. I don't believe if you really love someone you do things to intentionally hurt them. Lately I have been on the giving and receiving of that equation.
Because I could not bear his addiction I didn’t really love him either. I am not taking his addiction as mine ~ but I do acknowledge the role I played in enabling him by staying much longer than I should have. His addiction caused me to be all of the things that love is not and he has let his addiction become who he is. Therefore I know that I didn't love him because what I thought was love was all of things it shouldn’t be.
More importantly I stopped loving myself by taking a back seat to someone who didn’t love me. Don’t get me wrong, this hurts. More painful than even the first of my epic failures. Emotions are involved and resolving emotions is painful. I am not delusional enough to think it will be easy but at least on I’m on the right path.
I do still care. Too much but not enough to lose any more of myself. I gave 14 years as well as my pride, dignity, and sense of self worth (to name a few) to something that was far less than the love I deserved. I can’t get the 14 years back especially since they were the child bearing ones, but I can work on getting the rest back. I can learn to love myself again so that next time I will know the difference.
This post is to remind me not to ever settle for anything less than real love ever again. It is also to send the message to “my girls” that they deserve real love. DON’T EVER SETTLE!! I have settled twice now and hopefully I have finally learned my lesson. It only took nearly 40 years and starting from scratch twice but I think I finally have it through my hard head once and for all.
I deserve someone who loves me. That means I deserve someone who knows what love really is. But until I love myself, it will be hard to find that someone to love me. The hardest part is still a work in progress but acknowledging the failure on my end will propel me forward. Forward is good. Has anyone seen my big girl panties?